”…. But you know nothing is going to happen, right?”
He didn’t. I had been so careful. Kept it strictly friendly. Refused his compliments. Made him aware that he was too young. With those exact words. You. Are. Too. Young. For. Me. But he only heard what he wanted to hear. Don’t we all?
So I had to get to it. Sit him down (or the virtual version of it). Make him listen. Explain that I enjoy his company. He is fun conversing with and I like knowing he appreciates me. But I am not interested. Not now, not tomorrow, not in a year. Just no.
He asks me why. It surprises me. I don’t think anyone ever demanded an explanation. Why? Why do I wrinkle my nose at boys my age, no matter how sweet, fun or smart? Because they are just that, to me. Boys. If they are 20 or 12 doesn’t make a difference to me, for in my eyes they are just children. It’s hypocritical, perhaps, but changing your preferences is hard. I like older men. I like the lines in their faces, the greying hair. I like the way a man’s voice becomes deeper as he ages, the way his body hair becomes denser. I like the way the skin moves on his hands and how the tendons in his wrists become more pronounced. I like that he is the experienced one and I the young girl. I like that he feels the need to lecture me about life and I like showing him that he’s mistaken. I love that I am the small one. That I am inexperienced almost no matter what I’m taking with me. And I enjoy it doubly, because I know it is borrowed time. I will not be the young girl forever. And damn if I will waste it on some kid who has neither too long nose hair or is referring to TV shows that were extinct before I was even born. It’s not a question. Not for me.
And I’m thinking. What, exactly, is it this kid should do? I know many young girls in the BDSM community, and while they do not all share my fascination with worn out males, they all search upwards. Once a girl has taken those first, wobbly steps, what is she supposed to do with a guy who doesn’t know which end of the whip to strike with? We want a man who knows something we don’t. Someone, who can show us something new. So what is the boy to do, who has never struck a girl before, and who, time and again, is hitting the same wall?
I told him to look for an untried girl. Someone who still hasn’t taken that first leap. Take it with her. Learn together. I cannot imagine a better way to do it but I also know it’s a utopia. Because 9 out of 10 girls would prefer to start with a man who knows what he’s doing. But of course they would. If you were to climb a wall for the very first time, who would you like as your instructor? The one who’s made a living of it for ten years or the one trying it for the first time? It’s not a question. Not really.